Heartache Archives - A Country Girl's Heart -Beats that Matter

May 28, 2020May 28, 2020

Roots and Wings ~ Joy or Heartache?

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A homestead lifestyle, raising food and caring for animals brings joy and hardship. Today, I struggled to find the good.

I recently read a quote from the last chapter of Old Yeller.

What I mean is, things like this happen. They may seem cruel and unfair, but that’s how life is a part of the time. But that isn’t the only way life is. A part of the time, it’s mighty good. And a man can’t afford to waste all the good part, worrying about the bad parts. That makes it all bad.
~Fred Gipson, quote from Old Yeller

Today I am watching a kitten die. I found I lost a hen. I cried about the kitten. I have been nursing him daily I feel those familiar words creeping in, ‘You are a failure.’

He happens to be a niece’s favorite via pictures. I do not look forward to telling my niece, but a voice inside reminds there is a life lesson for my niece in the story of loss. A silent prayer, ‘Lord, May I have the right words?’

I quoted the following Bible verse to myself.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever is pure, whatsoever is noble, whatsoever is just, whatsoever is true, whatsoever is noble, whatsoever is of good report, if there be any virtue, if there be anything praiseworthy, think on these things.
~ Philippians 4:8 NKJV

A reminder to focus on what is of good report and praiseworthy. I almost forced myself to think on the fact it was time to take Aneta for a walk. Spending time with the adorable Great Pyrenees puppy decidedly brings joy to my life. Time with her has already proven an antidote for any dark mood I might be facing.

As I prepared to head outside, I thought, I am thankful 4 of the 7 eggs in lockdown are pipped already. It was late last night when I set up the lockdown. I skipped candling them. I have no idea what to expect from this hatch.

A long list of work awaits me. Our wet weather in the last week has proven a challenge to do any planting or working the ground. The chicken barn is over due for a good cleaning and the list goes on.

Again, I have a choice to look around at all the blessings and good or carry a weight of frustration. Where will my focus be? On this day, the battle rages minute by minute, hour by hour. Yet, Do I really have a right to be discouraged? My friend recently lost her mother. Now there is a reason to grieve.

I recall a specific night I worked at a foaling barn. On one side of the 30-stall barn was a baby who would be gone by morning. Mamma had kicked a, soon to be fatal, blow earlier that evening. On the other side of the barn a healthy foal birth, new life. The contrast of life and death sharply burned in my heart.

As living people, we are free to make choices in our thoughts and actions. There are moments a hard choice will bring a good emotion down the road. Choices might appear good under present circumstances that down the road create a terrible emotion.

Our world may saturate us with feelings of fear and unknown future. I am thankful for a God who sits on the throne no matter what. He sits there when I lose a chicken, when I watch a kitty die, when we lose a loved one and when a family member struggles.

I am thankful for all the good around me, watching other kittens play, watching a puppy romp in the grass, the chirps of newly hatched chicks, the whinny of a horse, the warm breath of a trusted horse, and wet puppy kisses. Life’s blessing surrounds us, we choose to see them, or not.

Jesus said he goes to prepare a place for us. I am thankful this broken world I live in is not my final destination.

Perception, a powerful word when put into action.

May I encourage you to focus on all the good you are surrounded with today?

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September 21, 2017October 8, 2017

And the Greatest is Love

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Along the lines of keeping my farm/homestead experience honest I am moved to write this post. I have been struggling to stay positive and it began the night of my aunts passing on July 31, 2017. Grieving is expressed through various emotions over time and loosing my horse McCoy added a sadness of its own. I needed to look deeper for the root of my heartache and the Lord is showing me a little at a time areas I need him to heal my heart in. Sunday I was feeling better, nothing like sitting around the campfire with friends Saturday night to ease ones pain. But a series of events had me reeling back into heartache by Tuesday morning.

Finding one of my grow out Silver Gray Dorking birds dead Sunday night had me perplexed. Finding another Monday morning and then Monday night was upsetting me! I found a clue though. Blood in the stool of the living birds in that pen lead me to believe they were fighting cocidiosis. Not completely uncommon for chickens to acquire. I felt self loathing creeping in. I had not kept their pen clean like my heart intended. For over 2 weeks upon returning from being gone for over 4 weeks, I had been able to do only what was absolutely necessary. I want to insert here that I struggle with low functioning adrenal glands, leaving me easily exhausted. I am learning to pick and choose how and where to expend my energy. Also these chicks were hatched to sell, not to keep. The intended buyer was unable to take them and I found myself raising chicks I had not planned on. Monday night I began treatment for cocidiosis, removed them from their pen, and began cleaning the pen they had been housed in. No rain was forecast to my knowledge. I looked.

Tuesday morning I had hopes of attending the Scottish Highland show at the St. Joseph County Fair in Centerville, MI. Attending the 2016 show taught me basics of where the breed is today while providing an opportunity to meet SCH breeders. I awoke to realize that it had rained overnight on the Silver Gray Dorking grow outs and one of the newly hatched chicks did not make it. (That chick was in the barn) No cattle show for me, I was staying home to attend to the animals I have. I am not sure what happened to the one little chick. Perhaps another hen had killed it? Not sure, but I had believed it to be safe. Lesson learned! That being said I am still working on a plan to move the momma and baby to a different area. So far as of Wed morning the other chick is doing well. New pen for them is in the works. I felt horrible the grow out SGD chicks had no cover from the rain and dealing with an illness to boot. By Tue evening I had 6 left. I doubted some of them would survive, but at that point I only wanted to show them love. I do not like to play God and decide who lives and who dies. Although I have in the past culled diseased chickens.

One protocol for not spreading disease is to care for the sick chickens last. I practiced this yesterday, spending my energy first cleaning waters and caring for the healthy chickens to help prevent future illnesses. After that I brought the sick chickens into my house. Some I warmed with a hair dryer. I have saved kittens that way in the past. One in particular I spent well over an hour removing eggs from it’s feathers. It seemed like it had some fight in it. Little thing woke me up chirping during the night. The only way to quiet it was to sit by it or hold it. I opted to wrap it in a towel and sleep with it sitting on my chest on the recliner. I don’t know if it is going to make it or not, but I know I showed it kindness and comfort by holding it.

These events have me questioning my goals and my ability to achieve them. My head knows, setbacks are common and no failure only feed back. My heartache and feelings of failure threaten to overtake my thought patterns. Oh, but I know I can change my thoughts. I am reminded that the Lord says He loves me in spite of my shortcomings. That I am more than my failures. I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)

It seems the more I have been hurt, the harder it is to put myself out there. For instance, I felt hesitant to put forth too much effort to save those growing SGD yesterday. I felt, what would it matter, they might die anyway. After all, I had pushed myself beyond what I felt capable of to try to save McCoy and I lost him anyway. I prayed and found peace in the simple act of showing these birds love even if I knew they probably were not going to make it. Translate to human relationships. I find it easy after being wounded by people or circumstances for me to withdraw and give up. It feels safer to stop putting my true heart out for all to see. Truth is my expected outcome is not the most important when relating to others. Knowing that I showed someone love while maintaining healthy boundries becomes more important than my personal expectations of a particular outcome.

I am still discovering take away lessons from the first half of this week. I tend to feel like things are my fault. I strive to look for what I can do differently. I see several areas that a different choice on my part would have provided a different outcome. Feeling like a failure seems to follow. I need to remember NO failure, only feed back! Have you ever felt like you were not enough? That it might be easier to give up on a dream or plan? Or perhaps give up on yourself? Leave me a message or a comment about how you went from a valley to a mountain top. If we are honest, we all have both in our lives, don’t we?

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September 15, 2017September 16, 2017

When a Chapter Ends

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I do not like failing, loosing a battle, giving up or quitting. I like to set high expectations for myself and those around me. I do fail, loose battles, give up and yes as hard as it is to write theses words, I do quit sometimes. Honestly, whenever I do, I hate on myself. I work hard to regain my self esteem after knowingly committing any of the above actions. I can reason through the act itself, knowing why I do not further pursue an action or goal, but not giving my all does not sit well with my heart.

I recently experienced the loss of a horse that I possibly could have prevented. I will always wonder. As I write these words I cringe inwardly, wondering. Did I do the best by him? Am I at fault for the loss of his life? I want to cry typing this. Nobody has said it was my fault and yet I wonder if I could have done more or made different choices. The Lord clearly reminded me on multiple occasions that I am more than just how I care for my animals. I strongly believe that caring for ones animals is an important and worthwhile task. However, my sole identity needs to lie in who the Lord says I am and I am still learning about who He says I am.

I have said I would share both the heartache and joys of my homestead adventures. Last week was a struggle when dealing with an ailing horse while fighting a short term illness along with 3 chronic diagnoses I battle daily. I felt alone. I prayed for the Lord to save him. He didn’t. My faith knows He sees a bigger picture than I do. I am watching to see what is next since He closed the door on the life of my dear McCoy. For the record, I also almost immediately reached out for help from an equine veterinarian.

This horse I called McCoy was registered as Jaywalker Frost and for good reason. As a foal he often found his way into other pens, pastures and generally anywhere he was NOT supposed to be. This trend continued until the last day of his life at 10 years old. He was the horse who thought through his next move. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again described him accurately. At times one could see him thinking.

He loved adventure, going somewhere new. He was often brave, more so before he was gelded at 5 and 1/2 years. McCoy found pleasure in going swimming and bossing other horses around. He wasn’t mean, but he had a way of persistently keeping after what he wanted. I have always had a soft spot for the uniqueness of people, horses, trucks, dogs, chickens, ect. I am attracted to the ones who stand out because they are different. Don’t expect me to be like everyone else either. That was what I loved most about McCoy, his uniqueness. That is also why it hurts so much to loose him cause in believing he is special I know I will never find another quite like him.

I come back to my belief that when one door closes another will open in the Lords perfect timing.

Note: The pictures I am sharing in this post are a memorial to McCoy sharing some of why I found him beautiful. The earlier stages of his training can be viewed on his FB page. I have a vision of new growth rising out of ashes, flowers to be exact. I am not clear on which flowers, but beautiful color rising out of ashes.

Have you lost a beloved horse? Or other animal? Feel free to leave a comment sharing your heartache or reach out with an email.

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