I have spent more of my life soaring around if you will. I realized in the last couple years I have been gradually growing roots. This land I have been living on has been my home for 9 years. Prior record for living in one spot was 3 years. I moved 15 times in 16yrs.
Today I was reminded how these roots started growing long before they were planted. Like a sweet potato or a grape vine has the ability to grow roots in water, my desire for all things country began as a child. I grew up loving to be full of movement, and the fresh air brought peace to my soul. Caring for animals was a large part of my life at an early age. I have realized that it simply does not come natural for me to harvest, kill, cull and animal. I can and I have, but it feels like a round peg being shoved in a square hole. I am all about eating meat and better yet meat that I know how it was raised. But the actual act of taking a life makes my heart cringe. I enjoy the gutting, skinning and dissecting of parts into cuts of meat. But the taking of life leaves me feeling down. I want to give, nurture, care for and bless others. My aunt told me a story today of how I could not stand the idea of killing a mole in her yard when I was a little girl. I guess I was quite upset over the issue and my Moms response at the time? Oh she cannot stand killing anything not even a fly. I believe God created me for a specific purpose, perfect in design. I love these little titbits into the little girl. I am looking at roots for who I was created to be…before all the lies, hurts and disappointments.
I was reminded of how different my world was as child, who I was as a little girl watching old family videos. I have lost her somewhere. From time to time I have seen a glimpse of her when running on a sand bar in a low area of the Yellow River with a 6 yr old girl, or giving a 3 yr old a short bareback ride on McCoy and seeing her determined little face that she would keep her balance and stay with that horse when it moved even if it scared her a little. Recently via an old family video, I actually saw her running around in her aunt’s yard and sitting on a metal swing with her sister, being pushed by her aunt and mother. I had to ask myself….what happened to her? At what point did she become someone who wanted to give up? Who felt defeated and hopeless? Who recently wrote…I let people down and I am always late? Who feels overwhelmed and like she is not enough? What kind of lies has she bought into that led to this shift? More accurately is the defeat and hopeless beliefs what she focused her energy on? Cause they were always lurking in the little girl. Where did 30 years go?
I have flown when adventure called
I have soared when I wanted to fall
I have tripped when I misunderstood
Wanting, longing if only u would
I seen what I wanted to see
Truth was not what I wanted it to be.
Inspired by King Solomon I prayed for wisdom as a child
I found parts of mine after living in the wild
My desire to grow keeps burning in my heart
I am a seed planted, Growing roots …..a start!
Follow along via this blog as I discover the layers of the heart of a country girl and build a homestead lifestyle.